I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
