One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
