cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
