So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
