my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
