did you get engaged???
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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