I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
