Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
