Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
