Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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