i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
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My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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