there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We left the knife in your bed.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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