He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
