Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
