she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
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I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
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We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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