Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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