What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
