Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
