Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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