thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
wow bdsm is so cute
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
