I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
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Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
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Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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