Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
