My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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