smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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