i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
