Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
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People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Well I just put wine in my tea
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Can you bring me the toilet please
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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