Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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