i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
