Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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