I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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