Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
