maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.