Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan