I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
