I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
