dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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