I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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