how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
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He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
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Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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