this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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