Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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