Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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