STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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