i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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