the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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