Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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