I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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