You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
