I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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