I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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