Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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