my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
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I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
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Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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