omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
