Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
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