Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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