I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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