Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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